As I prepare to move my life forward in a new direction, the chapter about to unfold brings pause and reflection. 13 years ago, I became a divorcée. I am peacefully divorced from a man who is still my friend today. Granted, he remarried, and we don't hang out like old pals, but in spirit and in the heart, we truly have remained friends. I never wanted divorce to be a chapter in my book, but ultimately at the age of 24 when I got married, I really needed another decade under my belt to heal the wounds of childhood before uniting as a couple. Both my ex and I were equally trying to recover from years when life should have been carefree and innocent. But that time for both of us as kids was bittersweet. Together, we struggled to overcome and understand our pasts. Ultimately, after years of therapy, we mutually decided to part and embark on new lives separately.
After my wedding, I celebrated with a honeymoon in Paris. One entire month. It was amazing. Since that time, I have returned to Paris again and again, always knowing that I belonged there. My ex grew up in Europe and visited many countries as a kid. Conversely, I grew up in the same family home for 17 years and traveled mostly within the States and Canada. The biggest event of my childhood was a family trip to Europe in 1978 at age 15. I returned in 1982 at age 20 with a friend. It was not until my honeymoon in 1987 that I went back to the place I now call home. After my divorce right up until this very moment, I have gone back to Paris year after year. It's where I feel most connected to my purpose.
Dating post marriage was not a fun time for me. Let's say, it was experimental. I made one poor choice after another, trying to regain something I lost in my marriage. In my 30's, post divorce, I felt very attractive and I looked the best I ever have (once I had been on my own for a couple years as a single woman again.) I felt empowered by my ability to attract younger men, but in truth-- it was all a recipe for more heartache. I wanted to turn the clock back, while still respecting the time I left behind as a married woman.
Before marriage, I always seemed to fall into relationships through proximity-- and then I just stuck with it, even when it wasn't good. Because I was so insecure during my adolescence, I felt that I had to be with a boyfriend to be complete. I became a clinging vine, doubting every word I heard. I had a series of long-term relationships, one often overlapping the other. When I met my ex-husband, it was a very powerful and very real love. It was so genuine. In truth, it was and still is the best relationship I have ever had. I say that with confidence and the ability to embrace the fact that he and I were meant to spent more than a decade together (dating and marriage combined) so we both could emerge as stronger (yet still wounded) individuals. My ex and I were friends, and we both championed "childhood recovery" in each other as best as we possibly could.
I never really dated. I was never good at checking out the scene, asking myself, "Is this person good for me?" I used to attract lost souls who needed to be fixed. I allowed people to take advantage of my sincerity and kindness. And I told white lies to get myself out of all sorts of crazy situations. I never took the time to edify ME. I guess that is not entirely true, because I have accomplished great things, I am very creative, and I have a professional resume which is impressive. But my inner landscape has paid the price along the way when it comes to insisting that my dreams are the most important roads to travel. Namely, my goal to live in Paris. I just know it all could have happened much sooner.
In 2001, I moved to New York by myself. I moved to Manhattan three months before 9/11 unfolded directly across the street from where I was working at the time. In the aftermath, I returned to my childhood home for a month, with my two cats, to regroup. And then I returned to the City that Never Sleeps and stayed there, on my own, for eight years. My time in New York made me stronger. Shortly upon arrival, I dated (if you can call it that) a man who seemed to be very confused about himself in terms of spending time with a woman beyond friendship. On the flip side, he is a talented artist who is now pursuing his dream in Europe. Good for him. After that experience, I lost my desire to date. Period. Essentially, I put things on hold in that department to work soley, 100% on my own self development.
What followed this phase was five years of major life changes: my beloved grandmother passed away in my arms (after I coached her through the dying process; it was a blessing for both of us), my treasured cat had to be put down at age five, and then my father was diagnosed with cancer and passed away two years later. Meanwhile, I moved from perimenopause through menopause, nights sweats, hot flashes, crying jags and all. Going through the proverbial "change" on the heels of divorce without kids was not easy for me to accept, but I have always seen myself (in the future) with a new, happy, healthy, lasting relationship.
In 2008, I took it upon myself to help my mother sell our family home, which we managed to do brilliantly in this depressed economy. The entire year was consumed with dumpsters, donations, ebay sales, you name it. We managed to accept an offer on our house just SIX DAYS after we put it on the market, and we closed fairly quickly with relatively few headaches. With all of this going on in my life, dating has been the last thing on my mind. But I digress.
If I have any regrets about my years of dating after my marriage, it is in knowing that I spent precious time with the wrong person one right after the other. It is now 2009, and I have not dated in five years. It feels okay, but I really am ready to open the doors again-- as soon as I move to Paris. Right now, I am in a holding pattern, and I do not want to date where I am living. I honestly wish I had moved to Paris immediately after my divorce, but I have to trust that there were more lessons I had to learn before making the journey to the land I love most. Now I am poised to be me and be true to myself.