New Yorkaise - Parisienne

Looking Back Over the Years

As I prepare to move my life forward in a new direction, the chapter about to unfold brings pause and reflection. 13 years ago, I became a divorcée. I am peacefully divorced from a man who is still my friend today. Granted, he remarried, and we don't hang out like old pals, but in spirit and in the heart, we truly have remained friends. I never wanted divorce to be a chapter in my book, but ultimately at the age of 24 when I got married, I really needed another decade under my belt to heal the wounds of childhood before uniting as a couple. Both my ex and I were equally trying to recover from years when life should have been carefree and innocent. But that time for both of us as kids was bittersweet. Together, we struggled to overcome and understand our pasts. Ultimately, after years of therapy, we mutually decided to part and embark on new lives separately.

After my wedding, I celebrated with a honeymoon in Paris. One entire month. It was amazing. Since that time, I have returned to Paris again and again, always knowing that I belonged there. My ex grew up in Europe and visited many countries as a kid. Conversely, I grew up in the same family home for 17 years and traveled mostly within the States and Canada. The biggest event of my childhood was a family trip to Europe in 1978 at age 15. I returned in 1982 at age 20 with a friend. It was not until my honeymoon in 1987 that I went back to the place I now call home. After my divorce right up until this very moment, I have gone back to Paris year after year. It's where I feel most connected to my purpose.

Dating post marriage was not a fun time for me. Let's say, it was experimental. I made one poor choice after another, trying to regain something I lost in my marriage. In my 30's, post divorce, I felt very attractive and I looked the best I ever have (once I had been on my own for a couple years as a single woman again.) I felt empowered by my ability to attract younger men, but in truth-- it was all a recipe for more heartache. I wanted to turn the clock back, while still respecting the time I left behind as a married woman.

Before marriage, I always seemed to fall into relationships through proximity-- and then I just stuck with it, even when it wasn't good. Because I was so insecure during my adolescence, I felt that I had to be with a boyfriend to be complete. I became a clinging vine, doubting every word I heard. I had a series of long-term relationships, one often overlapping the other. When I met my ex-husband, it was a very powerful and very real love. It was so genuine. In truth, it was and still is the best relationship I have ever had. I say that with confidence and the ability to embrace the fact that he and I were meant to spent more than a decade together (dating and marriage combined) so we both could emerge as stronger (yet still wounded) individuals. My ex and I were friends, and we both championed "childhood recovery" in each other as best as we possibly could.

I never really dated. I was never good at checking out the scene, asking myself, "Is this person good for me?" I used to attract lost souls who needed to be fixed. I allowed people to take advantage of my sincerity and kindness. And I told white lies to get myself out of all sorts of crazy situations. I never took the time to edify ME. I guess that is not entirely true, because I have accomplished great things, I am very creative, and I have a professional resume which is impressive. But my inner landscape has paid the price along the way when it comes to insisting that my dreams are the most important roads to travel. Namely, my goal to live in Paris. I just know it all could have happened much sooner.

In 2001, I moved to New York by myself. I moved to Manhattan three months before 9/11 unfolded directly across the street from where I was working at the time. In the aftermath, I returned to my childhood home for a month, with my two cats, to regroup. And then I returned to the City that Never Sleeps and stayed there, on my own, for eight years. My time in New York made me stronger. Shortly upon arrival, I dated (if you can call it that) a man who seemed to be very confused about himself in terms of spending time with a woman beyond friendship. On the flip side, he is a talented artist who is now pursuing his dream in Europe. Good for him. After that experience, I lost my desire to date. Period. Essentially, I put things on hold in that department to work soley, 100% on my own self development.

What followed this phase was five years of major life changes: my beloved grandmother passed away in my arms (after I coached her through the dying process; it was a blessing for both of us), my treasured cat had to be put down at age five, and then my father was diagnosed with cancer and passed away two years later. Meanwhile, I moved from perimenopause through menopause, nights sweats, hot flashes, crying jags and all. Going through the proverbial "change" on the heels of divorce without kids was not easy for me to accept, but I have always seen myself (in the future) with a new, happy, healthy, lasting relationship.

In 2008, I took it upon myself to help my mother sell our family home, which we managed to do brilliantly in this depressed economy. The entire year was consumed with dumpsters, donations, ebay sales, you name it. We managed to accept an offer on our house just SIX DAYS after we put it on the market, and we closed fairly quickly with relatively few headaches. With all of this going on in my life, dating has been the last thing on my mind. But I digress.

If I have any regrets about my years of dating after my marriage, it is in knowing that I spent precious time with the wrong person one right after the other. It is now 2009, and I have not dated in five years. It feels okay, but I really am ready to open the doors again-- as soon as I move to Paris. Right now, I am in a holding pattern, and I do not want to date where I am living. I honestly wish I had moved to Paris immediately after my divorce, but I have to trust that there were more lessons I had to learn before making the journey to the land I love most. Now I am poised to be me and be true to myself.

Paris in May and July

After the trip to Paris in May, 40 days later I went back for another 10 days of planning and just BEING in there. The trip in May was mostly wet and rainy, so I decided I needed more sun and relaxation in Paris before hunkering down for another six months of preparations for the move. I also had a nice chance to take part in the 14 juillet festivities.

I got back to Maine on the 17th, and I've barely left the apartment since. I've only made one trip to the vet; otherwise, I've been at home. Quite the contrast from walking at least 25 miles a day, sitting in my favorite cafes and enjoying picnics in the Jardin du Luxembourg. I really do not feel at home here in Maine, even though the apartment where I am living is very nice and I am renting from childhood friends. While Maine is where I grew up, I built a very different life for myself after leaving here when I was 21. I first left the house where I was raised at age 17 when I set off for undergraduate school in upstate New York, then moved back again for a brief stint before heading to Boston. After Boston came New York, and in November of 2008 when I came back to Maine to help my mother sell our family home-- it really was a shock to the system. It is key for me to remain focused on my reason for being here right now. After the financial drain, stress, excitement and enchantment of Manhattan, Maine really is a beautiful place to regroup. But still.

I miss my city buzz, my endless choices of whatever I wanted and at any time of day or night. Perhaps this is a good time to pause and realize that most of the world does not live with such luxuries. Not that I was living a luxurious life on the Upper West Side. Far from it! However, the ability to have just about anything is within one's reach in New York, and it really was a privilege for me to have been a part of it. New York, with all of its ups and downs, pros and cons. One cannot deny that it is a very special place on this Earth.

Having lived on my own (alone in one bedrooms and in shoeboxes studios) in New York for eight years, and as much as I truly love and miss being there-- there is no comparison in my mind to the perfect balance I find in Paris. Within the 20 arrondissements, the buildings stand majestically without towering over the entire city. The monuments stand proudly on the horizon line. The light at all hours of the day flickers against the buildings like brush strokes on a canvas. One can actually view the open sky while air space comes at a high price in Manhattan. So while I love New York City, and I feel so grateful for having had the experience of living there-- I yearn to settle down in the city I have loved so much since the very first day I set eyes on the City of Light at age 15.

Paris, here I come!

Countdown to Paris!

Not the BIG MOVE yet, but a much needed vacation in Paris to see old friends, meet new friends, and set a few plans in motion.

As you know, I am always talking about purging and clearing clutter to get ready for tabula rasa mode. Out with the old, in with the new. In fact, last Saturday, I cut my hair really short to shed all of the energy I've been carrying around with me for the past six months. It's been a long haul, but now I feel light as a feather. And now I stand in my room looking at clothes which no longer express who I am. When I put on some of my old blouses and pants, I feel frumpy. I just don't feel like the me I am today or the me I am becoming. So today, I shall fill yet another bag and cart it to Goodwill.

I miss my scarves, jewelry and flowing tops I used to wear. I also miss skirts. I think the past decade working in cubicle hell in the investment banking / hedge fund industry (on the web services side) really took away that certain je ne sais quoi I always carried around with me back in my twenties and thirties. Well, enough is enough. It's high time I get back to the real me, the writer, the artist, and the adventurer attire I so dearly miss!

 

Window displays from the fall of 2007 in the 9th arrondissement.

Constantly Purging Stuff, Getting Ready!

I am having a tough time feeling grounded this evening. As I have noted in previous posts, I am spending at least five months in a beautiful apartment in Maine in the same city where I grew up. I am surrounded by the Atlantic, beaches, boats and birds. All the while, I am still purging stuff from my move from New York, and from the move from my mother's house (which we sold). We have been purging constantly, clearing away unnecessary clutter and sorting through endless family photos. While this is very time consuming, it feels so good to get things in order before I prepare to make the big move.

Right now, I am working on a TEFL certification class. I want to teach Business English (my own business) as an added income stream to my freelance writing and my life coaching. Lucky for me, I also have ESL experience. Multiple income streams is the perfect balance. These are not flash-in-the-pan ideas here. I've been working on this plan actively since 2005. Now, I'll add EFL to the list! I've also been doing lots of networking as I plan to move to Paris, but I still have lots more to do. And I am SO ready!

Here in Maine, I have a storage unit which is constantly being purged and sorted. I just found a storage unit in Paris I plan to use as soon as I am ready to relocate my belongings! Here's the one I'm thinking of using. Any other suggestions out there? (I also found a helpful list of resources.) I've accepted the fact that the next year of my life will involve storage units. While I have gotten rid of many, many items, I recently purchased some Ikea furniture, as I had to sell / donate almost all of my furniture I owned in New York. Most of it was too bulky and not easily portable. In hindsight, I should have owned Ikea furniture when I lived on the Upper West Side, but the past is the past. C'est la vie! Forward is the new direction!

As I sit here typing this blog entry, I realize there is so much to be done. But then I think about Michelle Obama who is a great planner, organizer and multi-tasker. I need to shift into this kind of thinking, take things step by step, and make sure to take time out to walk on the beach where I am now! Being in the moment is also important when designing a new life.

I think I just need to say out loud to the Universe this evening that at 46, I am reflecting on the various reasons why this move did not take place much earlier in my life. While there are many events based in choices I made in the past and changes in my family life for which I am glad I was present, I want to admit that I wish I had moved to Paris after my divorce in 1996. I wish I had remarried (in Paris!!) before I had early menopause (at  41 - 42.) That feels better. It's good to say this!

After divorce, I had eight years of crazy so-called dating experiences which, perhaps, provided important lessons to be learned. I always say everything happens for a reason, and somestimes we just need to get things out of our system and build character. I always knew it would not be a good idea to remarry right away. No. I traveled a lot and had some amazing opportunities. Living in Manhattan was both unexpected and challenging, but mostly wonderful. So I certainly do not regret the eight years I spent there leading up to my move to Paris. Even living in Maine again during this period of transition was unexpected and is bittersweet; a chance to appreciate where I grew up.

And so I engage in acceptance of who I am, and where I am at this time. And I am reminded of where I was living when my dream of life in Paris first began: right here in Maine at age 15 after a family trip to Europe in 1978. When we believe in our dreams, the magic unfolds. When the teacher is ready, the student appears.

Getting Back to Blogging

I have not lived up to my promise of wanting to blog on a regular basis about my journey to live in Paris. Since November 1, my life has been turned upside down. Leaving Manhattan abruptly to venture back to my childhood home to help my mother sell our family abode was frankly both necessary and unsettling. It was not an easy time at all, and we managed to get through it. Our house went under contract just ONE week after our open house, and in this economy-- that's amazing!

Living transitionally in a beautiful place which holds bittersweet memories has had its challenges, but I know this was a smart move financially before The Big Move! I am rooming with my mother after 12 years of living alone and after being divorced back in '96. We do get along like two peas in a pod, but at the same time, everyone needs space. Sometimes we bicker. Fortunately, a beautiful apartment owned by dear friends opened up like a miracle at the right moment. It's times like these that make me appreciate the meaning of "letting go."

One thing I realize is that when I get very close to something deeply important to me, an old voice from the past kicks in and says, "Oh, but you can't have what you want." After more than a quarter of a decade of self-introspection, I know why that voice lurks like a shadow at pivotal times. But I've been nurturing my dream to move to Paris since I was 15 years old, and I am determined to face every necessary piece of paperwork square in the face and get exactly what I want and even more! Not only do I see myself living in Paris, but also I see myself meeting a wonderful man. I see it, I believe it, and I am embracing it. I am declaring it to the Universe!

I am a firm believer in the Law of Attraction, and so I only choose to bring into my life that which will provide me with the happiness I deserve at 46.

And so, once again, I shall endeavor to blog on a regular basis-- as this outlet is also part of my path to claim Paris as my permanent home.

Shifting into Fifth Gear!

The road has been a bit rocky lately. Since I left New York on November 1, I've been going through city withdrawal. Although I was born in Portland, Maine, I am very much a big-city woman. I need the buzz of a million people from different ethnic and racial backgrounds ebbing and flowing across my landscape. I need to hear multiple foreign languages as I walk into a store to buy cheese to feel grounded. I've never fully understood a homogeneous lifestyle.

Right now, owning things feels like a burden. I am scrutinizing every object in front of me. It must mean something to me NOW if I pack it away in a box as I prepare to move.

And so, I invite you, once again, to join me on an action-packed journey about to unfold. I promise you that it will surely be eventful!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Dare to Dream! Life is NOW!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Countdown to 2009!

Just hours left until we clock a new year. Is it just me, or did 2008 seem to fly by? I guess as we get older, we always say this sort of thing at this time of year. In fact, since 2001, I've been feeling this way. I know what's behind this is my sense of urgency to be living life in Paris. It truly is time to BE there, as 2009 will be THE YEAR. 2008 has been accented with one major project: getting our family home ready to go on the market for sale. What a major undertaking this has been. Finally, we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The excitement of change in building! :) The goal is to move to Paris in September! Let the excitement begin!

Adjusting to Transition

My transition from the Upper West Side of Manhattan back to my childhood home in South Portland, Maine, has been quite an adjustment. I am rooming with my mother for several reasons, mainly to get ready to put the house on the market to sell. I've spent the entire year, literally all of 2008, helping my mother clean out our family home after my father passed away last year. 46 years of clutter. Four dumpsters. Countless trash bags. More than 50 donations to the Goodwill. One massive donation of 80% of my furniture to Housing Works in New York (a thrift shop benefiting those living with AIDS.) Several postings on Craigslist to sell everything from bookcases to banjos to vases.

In New York, my rent was more than $2000 a month. If you have not lived in New York, I'm sure you can't begin to fathom why someone would want to dish out this kind of hard earned money every month to feed another's investment. I also recently left a job in September which was laden with micromanagement and very quickly became less than satisfying. Yes, I chose to leave a job just one week before the U.S. economy took a dramatic downturn. I did not wish to tolerate that situation any longer. I chose to embrace my dream and make it happen even in the midst of uncertainty.

Both my mother and I have the same goal: to live in Paris. So by combining my mother's life situation with mine, coupled by the fact that we have both been under a financial crunch-- moving in with my mother made good sense. I'm also working for myself now, and my career is portable. This also comes with some challenges as I am very much in the start-up phase.

Tension is in the air at times, because I have lived alone for the past 12 years since divorce. I don't have kids, as much as I would love to have at least one. (I do see myself in the future with a wonderful man and kids around me!) I love my mother, but we have different patterns of activity as she is retired and I am kicking off an entrepreneurial business. We bicker at times. We are set in our ways, and yet we get along very well.

We also have two cats in the picture. Her cat, a female, and mine, a male. They have also gone through stress getting used to each other. We've seen hissing, paws lashing out at one other and even fur flying. But now, they seem to be courting each other. Running around and playing. Napping while curled up next to each other. Recently, I caught them lounging around together on the same perch!

Originally, my mother was going to room with me in New York, but that would not have been a smart move. Can you imagine a mother, a daughter and two cats in a large one-bedroom apartment? No. Need I say more? Clearly, we need our own rooms! Even with the economic recession and rents dropping, moving from a one-bedroom apartment where I was well connected with the super into another rental situation would mean lots of fees upfront. In the apartment I had there, I paid $$$ for a pre-war sans doorman. Now is not the time to pay lots of fees when the goal is to move to Paris.

Once we move to Paris, the plan is to buy an apartment as a joint investment. Our goal keeps us motivated every day, and I am determined to keep my focus! I am appreciating the beauty of Maine right now. Every day. I am also coming full circle with my childhood years, reflecting on times that were faced with many ups and downs. And I am holding my vision of Paris close to my heart, knowing that all good things come to those who dream!

Blogging Revisited

Since 16 October, I have been heavily involved in a move to Portland, Maine, which was not planned for this time frame. All in all, this is a necessary money-saving measure directly linked to my goal to move to Paris one year from now. Last weekend, the superintendent (also my friend) of my building in New York drove me, my possessions and my cat to my mother's house in Maine. Leading up to that frenzied transition, I was busy selling and donating my furniture, clothing and miscellaneous items to lighten my load.

So here I am, camping out for four months in my childhood bedroom as my mother and I prepare to put our family home on the market. Over the next year, she and I will be roommates, as we both have the same goal to buy a Paris apartment and live there. Sure, we have little arguments now and then, but overall we get along very well.

And so a new chapter begins.